Families, Caregivers, and Friends
When a friend or loved one develops a mental health condition, it's important to know that you're not alone. Family members and caregivers often play a large role in helping and supporting the millions of people in the U.S. who experience mental health conditions each year. Many family members and caregivers experience the same thoughts and questions you might be having now.
We realize that the challenges of mental illness do not only affect an individual’s family members but also friends, teachers, neighbors, coworkers, and others in the community. Here we use the terms family member and caregiver interchangeably to refer to someone giving emotional, financial, or practical support to a person with a mental health condition. Whether you’re providing a lot of assistance or very little, the information here can help you better understand the issues that you might face.
Across the country, thousands of trained NAMI volunteers bring peer-led programs to a wide variety of community settings, from churches to schools to NAMI Affiliates. With the unique understanding of people with lived experience, these programs and support groups provide outstanding free education, skills training, and support. Find a free, peer-led support group or class near you.
Supporting Your Loved One
When someone has a mental health condition, support from family can make a big difference. However, it may be hard for us as family members to know what approach is best. It’s particularly difficult to balance showing support with caring for our own health and encouraging others to be responsible for their actions.
Things You Can Do to Be Supportive
One of the most important ways to support a family member is to maintain your own mental health. The healthier we are, the more energy we have for problem solving and offering encouragement. We can then offer practical support, such as the following:
- Learn as much as possible about mental health and your family member’s condition. Knowledge gives you practical insight and understanding. Learn about available treatments.
- Show interest in your family member’s treatment plan. Doctors and other medical providers cannot talk to family members without a patient’s permission, so ask your family member to arrange this permission. Talk to the medical team about what to expect from the treatment plan. In particular, ask about possible side effects of medication. Find out how to call the provider if you notice behavioral or emotional changes you’re concerned about.
- Encourage your family member to follow their treatment plan. This might mean offering transportation to therapy sessions, or reminders to take medications as prescribed. Because daily prodding about medication can easily insult or anger an adult, handle this carefully. Talk to your family member about their preferences.
- Strive for an atmosphere of cooperation within the family. Cooperation means not just offering support. It also means communicating with everyone in the family and distributing responsibility equally. Don’t try to “spare” family members from stress by leaving the caretaking to one individual. Assign everyone in the household roles to play according to their abilities. Include your family member with the illness as well, making their responsibilities to the family clear.
- Listen carefully. Simply listening is one of the best ways to show your support. If your family member says hurtful things, it helps to listen for the emotion behind the words rather than focusing on the words themselves. Try to recognize and acknowledge the pain, anxiety, or confusion rather than getting into unnecessary arguments.
- Resume “normal” activities and routines. Don’t let life revolve around your family member’s mental health condition. Return to a regular routine within the family. Spend time together on activities unconnected to illness, such as watching a movie, eating dinner out, or visiting a favorite park. Practice living life with a mental health condition, rather than struggling against mental illness.
- Don’t push too hard. At the same time, remember that it takes time to heal from an acute episode. Allow your family member to rest. Offer them opportunities to ease back into routine activities rather than requiring participation. A gentle approach encourages recuperation.
- Find support. Outside support and encouragement is critical for everyone in the family, not only the person with the mental health condition. Whatever your role in the family, stress is easier to handle when you regularly talk to people who understand your experience. Peer-led support groups are available for people living with mental illnesses and for their family.
- Express your support out loud. Spoken encouragement can reduce stress levels. Practice a few simple, gentle statements: “I’m sorry you feel bad, and I want to help,” “It isn’t your fault. It’s an illness that can happen to anyone,” “Hang in there because you’ll feel better down the road.”
- Keep yourself and your family member safe. If there’s a risk of violence, make safety a priority. Regarding physical or verbal abuse, set limits that you can keep. For instance, state that you will leave and call the police if your family member becomes physically violent. Discussing your plans for these situations ahead of time can make them more manageable.
- Prepare a crisis plan that includes important phone numbers such as the local crisis intervention team. Include your family member in the planning of this document. Make everyone in the family aware of what they should do in case of an emergency.
- Don’t give up. A person with a mental health condition benefits enormously from having social support. Remind your family member that you’re there to help and you’re not giving up. When setbacks occur with one treatment strategy, look for alternative strategies. Try something new and encourage your family member not to give up. A good life is possible.
Taking Care of the Caregiver
To be able to care for the people you love, you must first take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is a valid goal on its own, and it helps you support the people you love.
Caregivers who pay attention to their own physical and emotional health are better able to handle the challenges of supporting someone with mental illness. They adapt to changes, build strong relationships, and recover from setbacks. Improving your relationship with yourself by maintaining your physical and mental health makes you more resilient, helping you weather hard times and enjoy good ones. Below are some suggestions for personalizing your self-care strategy.
Protect Your Physical Health
Improving your physical wellbeing is one of the most comprehensive ways you can support your mental health. You’ll have an easier time maintaining good mental habits when your body is a strong, resilient foundation.
- Exercise daily. Exercise can take many forms, such as taking the stairs whenever possible, walking up escalators, and running and biking rather than driving.
- Eat well. Eating mainly unprocessed foods like whole grains, vegetables and fresh fruit is key to a healthy body. Eating this way can help lower your risk for chronic diseases and help stabilize your energy levels and mood.
- Get enough sleep. Adults generally need between seven and nine hours of sleep. A brief nap—up to 30 minutes—can help you feel alert again during the day. Even 15 minutes of daytime sleep is helpful.
- Avoid alcohol and drugs. They don’t reduce stress and often worsen it.
- Relaxation exercises. Deep breathing, meditation and progressive muscle relaxation are easy, quick ways to reduce stress. When conflicts come up between you and your family member, these tools can help you feel less controlled by turbulent feelings and give you the space you need to think clearly about what to do next.
Recharge Yourself
When you’re a caregiver of someone with a condition like mental illness, it can be incredibly hard to find time for yourself, and even when you do, you may feel distracted by thinking about what you “should” be doing instead. But learning to make time for yourself without feeling you’re neglecting others—the person with the illness as well as the rest of your family—is critical.
Any amount of time you take for yourself is important. Being out of “caregiver mode” for as little as five minutes in the middle of a day packed with obligations can be a meaningful reminder of who you are in a larger sense. It can help keep you from becoming consumed by your responsibilities. Start small: think about activities you enjoyed before becoming a caregiver and try to work them back into your life. If you used to enjoy days out with friends, try to schedule a standing monthly lunch with them. It becomes part of your routine, and no one must work extra to make it happen monthly.
The point is not what you do or how often you do it, but that you do take the time to care for yourself. It’s impossible to take good care of anyone else if you’re not taking care of yourself first.
Avoid Guilt
Try not to feel bad about experiencing negative emotions. You may resent having to remind your spouse to take their medication, then feel guilty. It’s natural to think things like “a better person wouldn’t be annoyed with their spouse,” but that kind of guilt is both untrue and unproductive. When you allow yourself to notice your feelings without judging them as good or bad, you dial down the stress and feel more in control. When you feel less stressed, you’re better able to thoughtfully choose how to act.
Notice the Positive
When you take the time to notice positive moments in your day, your experience of that day becomes better. Try writing down one thing each day or week that was good. Even if the positive thing is tiny (“It was a sunny day”), it’s real, it counts, and it can start to change your experience of life.
Gather Strength from Others
NAMI support groups exist to reassure you that countless other people have faced similar challenges and understand your concerns. Talking about your experiences can help. The idea that you can, or should be able to, “solve” things by yourself is false. Often, people who seem like they know how to do everything are frequently asking for help; being willing to accept help is a great life skill. If you’re having trouble keeping track of your sister’s Medicaid documents and you’ve noticed your coworker is well-organized, ask them for tips about managing paperwork.
Additional Reading:
Mental health conditions are very common. Research shows that 1 in 6 youth/adolescents will experience a mental health condition in any given time. Additionally, 50% of all lifetime mental health conditions begin before the age of 14 and 75% start before the age of 24. However, identifying warning signs or symptoms and seeking treatment early can make a difference in reducing the impact of a mental health condition.
To be able to provide the best possible care for your children’s mental health, it is helpful to be aware of what to look for, when to worry and how to respond.
